City of Hoping.

As we zoomed on the 210 freeway, time almost stood still as we passed by the City of Hope. I spotted the lit up hospital windows glimmering against the almost black backdrop, and at that very moment every thought, every memory, every trace of him came back to me and nudged my heart. My heart went back to May 14, 2008.

It's been almost a year and half since the death of my close friend, Brian Mammen. To this day I can't shake off the memory of him, the simpleness of our friendship, and the neglecting that continuously poured from my hands. I remember the first time I visited Brian at the City of Hope. He had began his third round of chemotherapy after his surgery. I had never seen Brian so quiet, so mellow, so jaded. Despite the tumors, cancer, or side effects of chemo, Brian always found ways to make me smile. He had his ways of making me feel special, constantly letting me know that I was one of his closest friends--even if we didn't hang out all the time.

As much as I hate making this post about myself, inevitably it's going to pertain to me. I thank Brian for being such a constant friend who always made time for me, whether it be through a Myspace comment or an IM. He ultimately showed me the perfect and sincere example of a "true friend"--something that I strive to be. I just hate the fact that I realized this now. I wish that I had made more time for Brian. I wish that I had realized that all it took was to reply back to his IM's. I beat myself up every single time I have the image of Brian messaging me our inside jokes--waiting and waiting for just one response from me, but barely receiving replies. It breaks every single part of my body apart. My heart aches, and my brain begins to not function. I hope to be the best that I can in all of my relationships/friendships.

About Brian's Battle.

I live my life with absolutely no regrets, except one:
I regret not spending more time with Brian Mammen, my truest friend.