Beat Around the Bush.

I've been choosing to stay home lately.
Even if given the option to go out and stay out late, I've opted to just TV and "folding laundry" nights.

It must be due to a combination of everyday exhaustion and occasional stress that has really taken a toll on both my mind and especially my body.
I am SO beat.

A little bit of R & R never hurt anyone right.

Jane is Naughty.

After browsing through over sixteen paint swatches, I've finally decided on a wall paint for my room.
I wanted something mature, something alluring, and something I could really live with everyday.

I wanted Naughty Neutral:



It's luxurious, and has all the qualities and tones I was really looking.
My favorite color is purple, but I would NEVER do my room in a saturated purple nor a hideous lavendar.
Lavendar has got to be one of the ugliest colors known to all mankind, and then some.
Both of the colors listed above seem childish to me.

But anyways, I love my Naughty Neutral a.k.a. a muted muave.

It'll go great with my contemporary oak furniture.

YAYYYYYY.

Class Dismissed.

Any sort of class or dignity I had, I let go tonight. On this dark, heart pounding night, I lay here as still as I can as every thought and any question linger in the halls of my mind.

It begs that much more of me. And everyday I am proven to be weaker than before. More vulnerable. Uglier than ever. And the "pathetic" I have once called many, I have slowly rottingly become.

I will say this once. And mean it many times:
FUCK LIFE.

The fresh soul that has once loved life has died today. Reborn is this. Only a brain, and half the heart I was given. The broken half.

Sure, "dramatic" may be the word to sum up my days, but fear and consumption have plagued every single waking moment of what I call "my days."

So no more of this, "Love life." It was all but a dream. It was all but an idea. Only a wish. Only to not come true.

Find a fucking cure only then will I be loving life as it comes.
Until that day slowly makes its way to the present, I lay here as him.
I cry as he does. I ache his pain. I live his life. I am him.

Everyday is an obstacle laced with creatures that infest our blood, they laugh at us, and prey on our smiles.



Depression, our new best friend.

I Cracked.

Turns out that the Blackberry Bold release date is pushed way back to January 2009 (Q1).
That's another four months. So I decided, instead I'll be getting the Blackberry Curve with a one year contract. And by then I shall be getting my beloved Bold.

On the brightside, I already know several people with the Curve, so that means if I ever need tech help, they will be by my side. The Curve is a good phone, but it has been out for quite a while now. I just wanted the latest thing.

A phone is a phone.
Grow up, Jane.

Tech Savvy.

The release date of my "phone to be" has been pushed back due to low battery life and constant over-heating.

So meanwhile, I'm hanging onto my dear old Sidekick 3.
I'm pretty stoked on this new phone: Blackberry Bold.

I'm hoping to God that it comes out by at least early September.
I've waited long enough. Sheesh.



I'll be selling my Sidekick for $60 OBO.
Just a few scratches, but works perfectly.
Includes: Case, charger, car charger, and all of the manuals.
Someone is already in line, but they may back out.

So let me know. :]
And let's keep our fingers crossed.

Jane Obnoxious.

I am so proud of Brian and all of his accomplishments.

I love my boyfriend.

Goodbye Sushi.

Finally.
Finally after saying "I'm going to quit" approximately 5,000 times, I'm really going to do it.

Tomorrow I'm officially putting in my two week notice at Kabuki Restaurants.

I've been working there for roughly over a year and a half (May 2007).
Hostessing for a year has definitely been an easy job, although I did have my super rough days.
Days of smiling. Days of crying.
Rough customers. Rough co-workers.
Those typical days where I just didn't want to go into work.

I worked a lot. Average twenty hours a week while managing going to school full time.
And by full time, I mean commuting a forty minute drive to school.



Was it worth it?
I guess in some sense. The people is definitely what made this experience worth while.

Why am I quitting?
Sure, it'd be nice to make some extra pocket change.
But I really need to focus on my studies now.
I've changed my major to Chemistry, and this will require me to study my butt off for the next few years.
All my focus is devoted to C-H-E-M-I-S-T-R-Y. Hooray!

On the bright side, I am fortunate enough to have my parents to support me.
They already pay for my tuition, my car, insurance, gas, and now my phone.
Now added onto that is my monthly allowance.
I've asked for $450 a month.
Basically for food, clothes here and there, and gas if I need to pump in the moment.

I could ask for more, but I believe that $450 is adequate.
If I feel like I can handle having a part time job, later on in the school year, I'll definitely reconsider.

As far as Kabuki? I'm donezo, but I have this strange feeling they're going to be BEGGING me to stay.

The two top hostesses, Kat & I, are quitting as of tomorrow.


Good luck, managers.

Winter Wonderland.

I have this crazy desire to go to Disneyland.
It's been over a year and a half.
I used to go EVERY month for one year.

Just once this year would do it for me.


Except I hate these life-sized dolls.

Me, Me, Me.

I've realized two things about myself today:

1. I talk about myself WAY too much.
2. I cannot tolerate mean people.


Examine yourselves.

Positive Situation.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.
And my heart has never felt so heavy.
It's too personal. It's too sensitive. It's too close.

I'm so frustrated with the world and all I do these days is cry.
I cry in the wee hours of the night usually.
It's almost become so second nature that I almost laugh after every single waterworks session.

Jane, you're a fool.

I never want anyone to feel sorry for me. I just want people to empathize some.


Apathy vs. Empathy.
It's become borderline.

Called Out.

It's strange how people get attached to other people.
Strangers, friends, family members, co-workers, and short-term friends.

Everyone Except One


And as the days go by you grow these friendships that you think will entail so many goodtimes and unlimited laughs, which they do, but never anything more than that.
You begin to miss the significance to those relationships, you start feeling sick of these people, and one day you just realize that your life would be exactly the same if those "friends" were not a part of it.

True friends influence eachother to become the best.
True friendships are built on love, not on goodtimes.

I've been doing exactly the opposite.
Dullness was the main component to most of my "friendships."
I've constantly been letting myself be influenced by the bad of others.


None of that, please.

Revamp.

My life came to a dramatic halt due to some saddening circumstances. Some issues with my parents came up, and I've felt super depressed the past two weeks. To be honest, I don't really want to go into detail. I'm not too sure where all of this came from but I definitely am trying my best to be optimistic. It seems to me that since 2007 was the year of sucking all of the optimism out of Jane, I just can't seem to muster up enough optimism to get me by.
Example: I cry myself to sleep sometimes.

On a happier note, some of you may know that I currently live in my parent's backhouse.
Due to my older brother moving back in circa November, I am almost forced to move back into the main house.
At first I was pretty bummed out because living back here really provided a lot of privacy and personal time for myself.
But family is family, and my brother is older.

So my dad made me a deal that I couldn't turn down. He says that I can choose whatever furniture I want from wherever I want. Basically, I get to give my entire room a makeover. SO stoked. And to top that off, my dad included a 26" LCD TV of my choice.

I love decorating, and I love interior design. I want to go for a very simplistic feel. Something airy, yet on the edge.

A few things I was considering:

IKEA

Malm Bed - $199


Malm 6 Drawer Dresser - $129


Floor Lamp - $49.99


BEST BUY

Sony Bravia 26" LCD - $599.99


URBAN OUTFITTERS

Wall Decor - $14


Photograph - $40


Jewelry Stand - $25


Photograph - $68


Mind you, I probably won't be purchasing all of these things, just a few ideas.
So hopefully you see the concept I'm going for. It's a vision.
I'm trying to figure out wall colors, bedding, and window shades.

I have a good month and a half to do so.

Clean start.