Great Weight.

I've been feeling stuffy lately, not physically or emotionally, but just my being. The past few weeks I've been having these strange dreams where I only hear people's voices, people I know but don't talk to on a daily. I find it somewhat eerie and frightening where it's become difficult for me, mid night, to doze off again. I may just have too much on my brain, too many concerns, too many dilemmas, just too much. I'm not one to worry nor stress, but lately "stresses" have gotten the best of me.

It's unfathomable how intense responsibilities become as I progress in life. I was spoon fed my entire life; I never really had to work too hard to get the things I wanted. Not to say my life is a struggle for me to get by, I know I have an amazing life. My family is extremely blessed financially and hands down I thank God for that. However, I am still concerned about being and living on my own. Once I achieve my profession as an elementary school teacher and/or a speech therapist, will there be any jobs for me? I know my Aunt who owns a school will guarantee a job for me, but I want to know that I can snag a job all by myself. I want to know that I am qualified, that I am charming enough, that my future school wants me because they would believe me to be a valuable asset to their school or district.

On a different rant, I haven't seen some of my friends in months, some since the new year began. I've been missing in action and really ought to rekindle a lot of my relationships. I miss my girls (Death Row & Kitties), all the L&O guys, Thuy, and Debbie Tan. I'm sorry for my absence, and I know that you all understand. As for someone else who shall remain nameless, I really don't know what happened with this person I was once extremely close to, we've lost touch and if lucky we talk once every two months. I guess the only thing I can say is that I understand that things change as time goes on and life curves, but just know that you'll always be my best friend and my "go to" girl. I'm so corny.

I've been missing my friend, Brian Mammen, who sadly past away last May. As his memorial approaches, I think about all those times that he wanted to talk on AIM, but I was simply too busy or preoccupied. I remember the times we used to play XBOX at his house or how we used to play on his electric keyboard. He really cared about me, and that makes me feel extremely guilty because for the seven years I knew him I can count on two hands how many times I hung out with him. What kind of friend is that? The ninth time I saw him was the day before he past, I don't think anyone will ever make an impact on my life the way Brian did. All I can say is that I feel dark about this situation and this is the one and only thing I regret in my life, not being there enough for him. I know he is shining in Heaven. If you knew him, you would know exactly what I mean.


I hate how I manage to talk about myself all the time.